Survivor Final Fantasy Style chapter one
by Amethyst Palazzo
Summary: What happens when you stick several FF charcters on Survivor? Read and find out. Rated PG-13 for language and sexual reference. R
1. Default Chapter

Survivor: Final Fantasy Style Chapter One  
This is my 2nd story I worked real hard on it folks so please don't Mst or flame it. And yes,I know my spelling and punctuation is bad.  
  
  
Disclaimer: Again, I do not own final fantasy characters. I'm not that lucky.  
  
Cast of Chacracter  
Host: That would be me, Jade  
  
The rest of these losers are playing themselves, duh.  
Squall  
Rinoa  
Zell  
Selphie  
Quistis  
Terra  
Cloud  
Tifa  
Seifer  
Sephiroth  
Kefka  
Ultimacia  
  
Location: An island somewhere in the ocean. The contestents are all standing around waiting for the host.  
  
Zell: So, this is what we do now that the game is over?  
  
Terra: Looks that way, huh?  
  
Seifer: How the hell did I end up here? Do I look like the survivor type?  
  
Kefka: You? What about me? I hope they don't expect the Great Lord Kefka to sleep in a tent.  
  
Tifa: (looks around) We don't even have tents. I guess they want us to sleep on the ground.  
  
Kefka: WHAT?!?! Well thats just perfect!!  
  
(They all fall silent as the host appears out of the woods)  
  
Host: Hello all, and welcome to the island.  
  
Kefka: Where the hell did you come from?  
  
Host: I have a condo on this island.  
  
Kefka: You have a what?!? And you expect us to sleep on the ground? That hardly seems fair.  
  
Host: Today, you will be split up into two teams. Team,"We're all losers" will consist of, Squall, Rinoa, Zell, Selphie, Quistis, and Terra. Team, "We don't have real lives" will consist of the rest of you rejects.  
  
Selphie: (excitiedly) Ooooooh, this is gonna be sooooo fun!!!  
  
Kefka: Oh dear god!!! (tries to cast Light of Judgement on Selphie. Nothing happens) What the @*%#?  
  
Host: Oh yeah, all magic powers are useless here. You're gonna hafta fend for yourselves.  
  
Quistis: What exactly are we compeating for?  
  
Host: A big box of chocolate bars.  
  
Cloud: Ooooh boy!!!!  
  
Sephiroth: Why can't we compeat for a chance to destroy the world?  
  
Ultimacia: Or to achieve time kompression?  
  
Sephiroth: Same thing.  
  
Host: This is my show, damnit!! And you'll compeat for whatever I want you to.  
  
Kefka: Again with the not being fair.  
  
Host: Okay teams, time to split up. Squall, your team will have the east side of the island and everyone else will have the west side.  
  
Cloud: YEAH!!! Give it up for the west side!!!!  
  
Sephiroth: Oh will you shut up!  
  
(The two teams split and go to their designated areas)  
  
Team "We don't have real lives"  
  
  
Kefka: Well, now what are we supposed to do?  
  
Tifa: I guess we look for stuff to build a shelter with.  
  
Kefka: How 'bout we find that condo and kick Jade out. All in favor?  
  
Seifer: Aye  
  
Cloud: Come on guys. This is our chance to rough it.  
  
Kefka: The Great Lord Kefka does not rough it, you twit!!  
  
Sehpiroth: Will you please stop refering to yourself in 3rd person.  
  
Ultimacia: So what are we going to build a shelter with?  
  
Cloud: Hey look, I found some sticks and such.  
  
(Kefka and Sephiroth both jump Cloud and proceed to beat him senseless)  
  
Team "We're all losers"  
  
Zell: I'm hella sick of this show!  
  
Rinoa: Zell we've only been here 15 minutes.  
  
Selphie: Yeah. Besides, this is soooo fun.  
  
Zell: If you say, this is soooo fun, one more time I'm gonna pound ya.  
  
Squall: Okay guys, thats enough. Lets get to work and build a shelter.  
  
Terra: And what exactly are we gonna build one with?  
  
Squall: Tree branches I guess.  
  
Quistis: Alright then, lets get started.  
  
(Both teams set up their shelters and return to the beach to await their first challenge)  
  
Host: (once again appearing out of nowhere) Okay guys, before we get to the challenge, you're gonna need team leaders. So I'll give ya some time to decide who its gonna be.  
  
(The two teams split and talk amongst themselves.)  
  
Squall: Our team has decided to make me leader. Although I don't know why.  
  
Host: Very well. (turns to the other team) And what about you guys?  
  
Kefka: I'm the leader!  
  
Seifer: Hey, we never decided that!!  
  
Kefka: No, I decided it, so there!!  
  
Host: (rolls her eyes) Fine, fine…whatever floats yer boat, Keffy.  
  
Kefka: (eyes glowing with demonic rage) What the hell did you call me?!?!?!  
  
Host: Sorry, Lord Kefka.  
  
Kefka: That's better.  
  
Tifa: So whats the challenge.  
  
Host: (evily) Ah, I'm sooo glad you asked. For your first challenge, both team leaders must read FF Slash Fics.  
  
Kefka: What the bloody hell is Slash Fic?  
  
Host: You'll see….Uweee, heee, heee!!!!  
  
Kefka: Hey, that's my laugh!!!! You stole it, you @*%#$%@%#^%^&%^&#%^@$%#$%%^!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Host: Please watch your language Kefka. This is a family show.  
  
Kefka: Like hell it is. And its Lord and Master Kefka to you.  
  
Squall: Can we get on with this please?  
  
Host: Very well. (leads the two team leaders to two computers) Have a seat gentlemen.  
  
(The two guys sit down )  
  
Host: The first person to get sick or scream in terror loses, and the other team gets the first point.  
  
(They begin to read)  
  
Squall: So far this isn't so… Oh my God!!!! They put me with Zell?!? What the @#$% where they thinking?!?!  
  
Host: Sorry Squall, you lost. First point goes to Kefkas team.  
  
Kefka: (snickers) And I hadn't even gotten through the first paragraph. (Continues to read) I can't believe Squall cracked so easily, I mean rea….. What the bloody hell is this @#$%?!?! Me and Edgar?!? Who the @#$% wrote this piece of crap?! Never in all my life have I ever seen such distaste!!  
  
Host: Um, Kefka, you can stop reading now, the challenge is over, you won.  
  
Kefka: (in a hypnotic like trance) Must…stop…reading….Can't….look…away….Jade..help…Do….something!!!  
  
(The host runs over and turns the computer off)  
  
Kefka: (sighs in relief) Thank you sooo much Jade. That was terrifying. But I just couldn't stop reading.  
  
Host: Its understandable. Slash fics will do that to ya. But hey, ya held out longer than Squall.  
  
Kefka: True, very true.   
  
Selphie: Well now what?  
  
Host: Now you go back to camp and get ready for the interviews.  
  
Sephiroth: What, we gotta do interviews too?  
  
Host: Afraid so, Seph. It just wouldn't be Survivor without 'em.  
  
All: Grrrrrrr……..  
  
(Everyone heads back to their camps and wait)  
  
Interviews  
Team "We're all losers"  
  
Rinoa: I can't believe Squall couldn't sit through one Slash fic. Do you have any idea how many Slash fics I've read where people put my and Selphie together. You don't see me goin' nutso.  
  
Zell: What the hell happened back there? I've never seen Squall flip out like that. That fic must've been relly bad.  
  
Squall: I'm not sure what came over me back then. I just couldn't take it, I mean, me and Zell. (Shudders)  
  
Terra: I think we should kick Squall out and pick a new leader. He obviously doesn't have what it takes. Ever seen him in FF8? He's no leader.  
  
Selphie: This is sooooo fun, Booyaka!!!!  
  
Zell: That's it!!!! (jumps on Selphie and procceds to pound her)  
  
Quistis: Someone please get me outta here!  
  
Team "We don't have real lives"  
  
Seifer: Hey, so far we're doin' pretty damn good. Seein' puberty boy crack like that was priceless. I always thought him and chickenwuss would make a cute couple hee hee.  
  
Kefka: Well of course I won. I am the all powerfull Lord Kefka Palazzo. Fear me!!!! Uwee, haa, haa!!!!!  
  
Cloud: Normally I wouldn't want a villain to be our leader, but Kefka seems like he can do a pretty good job. Although I'm not sure what his major malfunction is. What the hell is that guys problem anyway?  
  
Tifa: Can I switch teams? We haven't even been here 30 minutes and that creepy little clown guy has already made several comments about my breast. I mean, come on people, they're not that big in real life!!!  
  
Ultimacia: Did you see that pathetic little SeeD krack? I will get even with him for destroying my plans for time kompression!!!  
  
Sephiroth: Where the hell did all these misquitos come from? And why am I stuck on a team with Strife? I wanna go home!  
  
Host: Well, it seems both our teams have some problems to work out. One team leader seriously needs to seek professional help. I won't say who…coughKefkaCough….  
  
Kefka: I heard that you pinhead! (attempts to fry the host with the Light of Judgement. Again nothing happenes) Damn, forgot about that.   
  
Host: O…kay. Well, that's our show. Join us next time when someone from each team will be voted off.   
  
Kefka: Did you say something about getting off? (seems to forget he's pissed at her and moves closer to the host)  
  
Host: No, I said, VOTED OFF!!! Now get the hell away from me you insane little mime. Sheesh, what IS your major malfunction anyway?   
  
Kefka: (looks hurt) But Jade, I thought you liked me and had a big crush on me.  
  
Host: I do, I do. But for fanfic purpose I decided to hate you because everyone else does.  
  
Kefka: Ah….So, can I come stay in your condo with you now that the show is over?  
  
Host: Um…I don't think that would be fair to the others.  
  
Kefka: (thinks for a minute) Okay, I'll tell ya what, if ya let me stay I'll make it worth your while. I promise. (leans over and whispers something in the hosts ear)  
  
Host: (eyes widen in excitement) Okay, you can stay with me. (stands up and practically drags Kefka towards her condo) Catch you losers later! Oh gee, I hope I still have that can of whipped cream in the fridge.  
  
  
  
~Finis~  
  
Still to come, the next exciting chapter of Survivor Final Fantasy style. 


	2. Survivor: Final Fantasy Style ch. 2

Survivor: Final Fantasy Style  
CH.2  
  
  
  
Last time on Survivor, Squalls team lost the first challenge. So far they're not doin' so good. Lets see how they fare this time around.  
  
  
  
  
Location: Jades condo; the bedroom  
  
  
Jade: (glacing at the clock) Oh dear!!! The shows about to start..(nudges Kefka, whos still asleep) Keffy, honey, wake up!!!!!  
  
Kefka: (opens one eye and stares at her) NO!! Now go away before I do something really nasty to you!!  
  
Jade: Come on.....GET UP!!! The shows gonna start. We hafta get down to the beach.  
  
Kefka: (rolls over and pulls the covers over his head) Just 5 more minutes.  
  
Jade: Sorry baby, but you asked for it. (pours cold water on him)  
  
Kefka: (sits up, coverd in water) What the bloody hell?!?!?! Okay, okay, I'm up!!!   
  
Jade: Good. Now get dressed. We gotta get goin'.  
  
  
  
Location: The beach  
  
  
Host: (appearing once again out of nowhere. Kefka isn't far behind her) Good morning everyone. Sleep well?  
  
Zell: HEll no!!!  
  
Seifer: It was hot and sticky and we were all miserable.  
  
Kefka: Funny, I slept just fine.  
  
Sephiroth: Can I kill him now?  
  
Host: I'm afraid not, Seph. So hows about we get to that next challenge, huh?  
  
Selphie: Yippie!!!  
  
(the host leads the two teams to a huge pit of mud)  
  
Host: Okay, losers. This challenge is an easy one. All ya gotta do is play tug of war. The team that gets pulled into the mud loses... and well, you now the drill.  
  
Rinoa: (sarcastically) Ooooh, this is gonna be sooo hard.   
  
Zell: (glares at Squall) Mess up this time and I'll pound ya.  
  
Squall:....whatever  
  
Host: Okay, lets get started.  
  
Tifa: Um...Jade?  
  
Host: Yes, Tifa  
  
Tifa: We don't have a rope.  
  
Host: (laughing) Oh yeah, knew I forgot something. Hold on a sec.  
  
(They all exchange glances ad the host disappears into the woods)  
  
Seifer: How the hell did she end up as the host?  
  
Terra: Maybe she's sleeping with the producer.  
  
Zell:(nudges Kefka) I didn't know you were the producer. (laughs)  
  
Kefka: HEY!! Nothing happened last night!!!  
  
Selphie: Sure it didn't.  
  
(They get silent as the host reappears)  
  
Host: (holding up a pair of boxers with little hearts on them) Keffy honey, you left these in my room.  
  
Zell: Soooo, nothing happened huh?  
  
Kefka: (glares at the host) I'm gonna kill you. You know that right?  
  
Host: Uh huh. Anyways, heres the rope. (hands a rope to Kefka) Lets get started.  
  
(both teams grap an end of rope and start to pull)  
  
Host: Um guys? You hafta be over the mud.  
  
Zell: Oh, right.  
  
(the teams move over the mud and pull on the rope)  
  
Tifa: Cloud, stop pulling my hair!!  
  
Cloud: Well then get your hair outta the way!!  
  
Kefka: Oh will you pinheads stop arguing and help me pull!!!  
  
Zell: Squall, you're not pulling hard enough!  
  
Squall: Whatever  
  
Terra: Well, looks like we're gonna lose again.  
  
Rinoa: Oh will you shut up and pull already!!  
  
(both teams continue to pull until Squall falls into the mud)  
  
Host: Well, it looks like the 2nd point goes to Keffys team.  
  
Kefka: (laughs manically) Uweee, heeee, heeeee!!!!!!  
  
(Squall pulls on the rope, causing Kefka to fall in the mud)  
  
Kefka: BLOODY HELL!!!!!   
  
Selphie: MUD FIGHT!!! (jumps on Squall)  
  
Zell: No!!, There will not be a mud fi...(gets cut off as a peice of mud hits him in the face) Okay, thats it!!! (jumps in)  
  
(everyone, except the host, jumps into the mud)  
  
Host: (shaking her head sadly) You people are pathetic.  
  
Kefka: (pulling Jade into the mud) Now whos pathetic?  
  
Host: Oh my GOD!!!!  
  
Kefka: Yes, dear?  
  
Host: MY HAIR!!!  
  
Kefka: No, GOD.  
  
Host: What?  
  
Kefka: You said, Oh my GOD.  
  
Host: Ooooooh, I hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate you!!!!!!  
  
Kefka: There you go again, stealing my lines.  
  
Rinoa: Can we please get out of the mud?  
  
Host: YES!! (crawls out of the mud) I'm gonna go take a shower.  
  
Zell: And what about us?  
  
Host: (walking off) Wash in the ocean for all I care.  
  
(Everyone cleans up and wait for the host)  
  
Selphie: So, whats for dinner tonight?  
  
Zell: The same thing we had last night, rice. Oh, what I wouldn't give for some hot dogs. (starts to drool)  
  
Kefka: (shrugs) I had steak and lobster last night.  
  
All: OH SHUT UP!!!  
  
Kefka: What? What'd I say?  
  
(Once again, the host appears)  
  
Host: Well, I feel soooo much better now.(glares at Kefka) If you EVER do that agian, I'll shove my foot up your ass!!! Now, lets see who stays and who goes. First up is.....Team "We're all losers".  
  
  
(The host leads the team away to a small spot in the woods.)  
  
Host: (handing out little slips of paper) Okay, write down the name of the person you want to vote off, then put it in the pot.  
  
Zell: Pot?  
  
Host: Just write!!  
  
(They finish writing and place their papers in the pot)  
  
Host: Alrighty then, lets see who goes. (begins to read the notes)  
Squall  
Selphie  
Squall I want hot dogs!!!  
Squall  
Squall  
Squall  
  
(The host stares at the team)  
  
Host: Well it looks like Squall's outta here. Bye bye, see ya later.  
  
Squall: Whatever...(walks off)  
  
Host: You guys can go back to camp and pick a new leader.  
  
(They all leaves as the host goes to get the next team.)  
  
Team "We don't have real lives"  
  
Host: Okay, take these slips of paper and write down who you want voted off. (passes out the papers)  
  
(once the papers have been collected, the host reads them out loud)  
  
Host: First vote goes to, Sephiroth. Hey, I know that handwriting! Seph, ya can't vote for yourself!  
  
Sephiroth: But I wanna go home.  
  
Host: (rolls her eyes) Lets move one.  
Seifer  
Ultimacia  
Ultimacia  
Kefka  
Ultimacia  
  
Kefka: What?!?! Someone voted for me?!?! Okay, which on of you pinheads did that?!?!  
  
Host: Okay, Ultimacia, your outta here.  
  
Ultimacia: I demand a rekount!!!  
  
Host: Sorry, sister. But not only am I the host, I'm the author as well. I just couldn't think of any good lines for ya. Now get goin'. Go work on that plan for time compression or something.  
  
Ultimacia: (grumbles as she walks away)  
  
Host: Well, thats it for this part. Time for the interviews.  
  
Sephiroth: Oh, not again!!  
  
Interviews  
Team "We're all losers"  
  
Zell: Damn, I really want some hot dogs. Jade, can we get hot dogs, please?  
  
Host: No Zell.  
  
Rinoa: I had to vote Squall off. Don't get me wrong, I love him and all, but he cost us the first two pionts.   
  
Terra: God this sucks!!! When will it end?!?!  
  
Selphie: I'm having a good time. I wanna go fishing!  
  
Quistis: PLEASE get me out of here!!!!! I can't take it any more!! (pounds head into a rock)  
  
Team "We don't have real lives"  
  
Sephiroth: Can I go home Now?  
  
Host: Nope, we still have several more episodes to do.  
  
Sephiroth: (cries) I want my mommy!  
  
Seifer: Well, this is the worst excuse for a fanfic I've ever seen.  
  
Host: Hey!?! I'd like to see you do better!!  
  
Kefka: Well I'm glad Ultimacia is gone. She was gettin' on my nerves with that time compression thing. (rolls eyes) Oh sure, trap the world in time compression. Why not just blow it up instead?  
  
Cloud: (singing) Sit right back and you'll hear a tale. A tale of a fateful trip, that started in this tropic port, aboard this tiny ship!!!!  
  
(Once again Kefka and Sephiroth jump Cloud and beat him senseless)  
  
Tifa: Okay Jade, tell that insane little boyfriend of yours that if he makes one more comment about my breats, I'm gonna break my shoe off in his ass. MEN!!!!  
  
Host: There ya have it folks. Two down, ten to go. Whos gonna win that box of chocolate bars?  
  
Kefka: Can we go home now?  
  
Host: Sorry Keffy, but ya can't stay with me tonight.  
  
Kefka: But...but...well why not? (pouts)  
  
Host: Cause, you're gonna drive me nuts. I can only put up with ya for so long. Sorry, my love.  
  
Kefka: (sulks) Okay, fine!!! See if I ever do you any favors.  
  
Sephiroth: (laughing) Ha ha!!! Kefka has to sleep outside with the rest of us!!!  
  
Kefka: Oh shut up, you poor excuse for a villain!!!!  
  
Sephiroth: Thats not very nice.  
  
Kefka: No? Well neither is this!! (Jumps on Seph and proceeds to beat the crap out of him)  
  
  
Host: Well, thats the end of todays show. I'm just gonna let those two kill each other. (walks off shaking her head) How the hell did I get into this mess? What the bloody hell was I thinking?!?!  
  
  
~Finis~  
  
  
Still to come, the next exciting chapter of SUrvivor: Final Fantasy style. 


End file.
